Saturday, May 8, 2010
Singleness: Temporary? or Semi-permanent?
Mid-thirties Jane is invited to a girlfriend’s family reunion. One family member, a new Mom was carrying her newborn & she looks at Jane as the wind blows out her dress to make her appear pregnant. Jane catches her suspicion & flattens the front of her dress at the waist to show her non-prego status. Some time passes, lunch is served, & everyone is enjoying friendly conversation. Jane turns to new Mom to ask about her darling newborn, and the following dialogue unfolds:
New mom: “So, are you dating anyone?”
Jane: “No.”
New mom: “Why not?”
Jane: “Waiting for the right one.”
New mom: “Aoh… you’re so pretty… What’s wrong with you?”
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Now I realize New mom’s last statement seems insensitive but to be honest, I've had the very same inner-monologue happen in my own head about an attractive, unmarried woman over 30.
Why do women treat singleness like a temporary state to hurry out of?
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Marriage, babies, etc...is such a strong part of our culture, in both the American and Christian culture. Since humans have walked this earth (perhaps thousands of years), it's only been in the last few decades that the notion of a career- minded woman has been valued and esteemed. As a single woman myself, I am grateful for the increasing recognition by the greater society that women's value, worth, and calling in life is more than just being a wife and/or mom. But at the same time, for most of us, our genetic, biological, and God-given desire to be both of those things remains very much alive. And considering that 90% of Americans will be married at one point in their lives, it doesn't seem completely unrealistic to expect the women in our lives to get married. Given though that marriage/babies is not a guarantee, I think the goal is to live life to the fullest no matter what stage of life you are in and to recognize that your worth and value is no less just because the marriage/babies season has not yet begun for you.
ReplyDeleteVery true RL! That’s great encouragement. Your last sentence needs to be a permanent post-it on the walls of our unmarried, over 30 hearts... "Recognize that your worth and value is no less just because the marriage/babies season has not yet begun for you."
ReplyDeleteIn my case, the Lord delivered me from dating 7 1/2 years ago. Initially, I thought it was a form of cruel penance, but I came to realize that the Lord was cleansing me of all the perversion, lust, & strongholds that I once gave permission to rule over my mind, heart, body, emotions, expectations, & desires. It wasn't until year 5 that the Lord began to open my eyes to see the hearts of men who genuinely love Him. This came as a complete surprise. It was like I can see the aura surrounding them- & made their countenance so beautiful, even if their initial appearance was not something that caught my attention.
As a single Christian woman, the most frustrating part of dating is the pressure "to date" & that somehow because I choose not to date just any JoeSchmo, that there's something wrong with me or that I must have some deep wounds that haven't healed yet. Which is so… far from the truth! Psalm 107:2 says, “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so.” And I’m saying so! Hallelujah! Why is "singlehood" something that Christians want to be healed of like it's a nagging rash? Browsing for hours on Aisle 3 looking for the best topical ointment to treat their symptoms. Didn’t Paul write a letter to the City of Corinth (a.k.a LA) on this very topic?
6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. 8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion… 32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord. 36 If anyone thinks he is acting improperly toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if she is getting along in years and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better. - 1 Cor 7:5-9, 32-38
We can pretend that verse 34 isn’t there; but are singles concerned & devoted to the Lord in body & spirit? I suppose most of us “getting along in years” live in verse 36. And why then, when around “marrieds” do we singles feel like second-class citizens if verse 38 was inspired by God? So then, if that is our God-breathed “instruction", why are we encouraging one another in filling the time with "dating" people we have NO intention of marrying?